Movies that Shaped Me
Not that you asked.
When I think about movies that have shaped me over the years, a few come to me. I cannot tell you the order in which I saw them, but I saw most of the films in the same era of my life. It was when I lived in NYC in High School. It was a time when I was dealing with my parent’s divorce, a mother learning how to be a single mom, and me trying to discover my taste.
Luckily for me, we lived in Lincoln Center, and there were many multiplex and art house cinemas within walking distance. I also had a TV in my room. I found myself with lots of lonely afternoons, and I am pretty sure movies are what kept me from doing LSD in the sheep meadow with the hot boys from Collegiate or Dalton. I was too shy, so I’d retreat to my dark room and experience coming of age through characters other than myself. If you know me personally, that likely explains a lot.
The first film that comes to mind is BASQUIAT.
I’m pretty sure I watched that one in Lincoln Square since it came out in 1996, and I’m pretty sure I've seen it more than once in theaters. But I return to this film regularly as it so singularly helped me define my taste. It was like a nail in the gut, saying this turns you on and makes you feel alive. This was (in my memory) my first exposure to pop art, to NYC in the 80s, and to the convergence of art, film, fashion, and music. I mean, Bowie epically plays Warhol, and I am a lifelong Jeffrey Wright fan. The feeling inside was an aliveness that inspired me to create and experience. It made me want to experience this art and walk the streets where they walked, and there’s no other way to explain the desire, but I wanted to literally jump onto the screen and be part of that story world. Who would I be in that world? I have no idea, but I wanted the fashion, the thrill, and the drama. Even writing this excites me to watch it again and remember why I love contemporary art and design and how much it inspires me.
The next film is STEALING BEAUTY
This one is also from 1996, and I likely saw it in theaters. Someone on the podcast challenged my love of this movie. They pointed out that this male, middle-aged director told the story of a teen girl losing her virginity. That’s not how I saw the movie; it was about a teen trying to discover her identity, and her sexuality is a part of that. It’s an Italian film with an Italian director; the nudity in the film felt more cultural to me than inappropriate, but I didn’t look at it from that perspective when I was a teen. I just saw a girl who yearned to be seen by the men in her life - both the boy she was crushing on and her father. As a girl living away from her own father, who was too timid to show the boys she liked that she liked them, this film resonated with me deeply. I also just thought Liv Tyler was the coolest.
It wasn’t long after watching this film, maybe the next summer, that I had my own adventure to the south of France. The innocence that fuels confidence in a 15/16-year-old was something I inhibited in spades. This is a film I’m not sure I want to rewatch cause I want to preserve my memory of it. Is that weird? Maybe, but I do listen to the soundtrack. It brings me back to those good and bad feelings, yearning to be seen and stay invisible all at the same time.
The next one that really defined ‘cool’ for me was EMPIRE RECORDS.
This one is from 1995. I was just starting high school and had just moved to NYC. I had this chance to reinvent myself. The cast of characters at Empire Records had me walking up to Lincoln Square’s Tower Records - sadly no longer there -looking for my own similar crew. Unfortunately, I didn’t find it, so I kept returning to the movie. Both Liv Tyler and Robin Tuney’s characters resonated with me, and I wanted to work there even more. The convergence of passion for music, the group of friends, the very cute boys, and the damn the man sentiment. I can watch this one over and over.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention HACKERS.
This movie also gave me a ‘cool’ feel, and it’s also from 1995. It was the. first time I saw a woman/teen who was both nerdy and sexy. It gave me major aspiration vibes like it might actually be cool to be smart and like computers. I started reading Hacker Zines around this time and was proficient with technology, though I was not a coder. I rewatch this every few years and still find it to be thrilling and fun. The “Hack the Planet” sentiment always stays with me even as technology becomes obsolete.
At this time in my life, I felt quite alone, and these movies made me feel seen. They all had strong female characters and varying levels of challenging ideas, and these movies helped me process all of them.
Some movies that deserve honorable mentions:
CLUELESS (1995)
ROMEO + JULIET (1996)
WELCOME TO THE DOLLHOUSE (1995)
PARTY GIRL (1995)